OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

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OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  MrsMarks2B on Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:51 pm

Grr, just need a rant ladies, please forgive me...

So some of you may know my parents split up mid last year, fair enough I'm actually at a point of acceptance now (not liking...just accepting lol). So since that's happened my parents have moved into their own homes with my younger brother and sister moving with my mum.

Now basically , they're just abusing my mum. They don't do anything at all! My brothers 17 and left college swearing he would find a job, and he now sleeps in till mid afternoon and then just plays xbox all day. My sister's 14 and is being the worst of the two, she doesn't like mums new bf (which is fine, I'm not his biggest fan but there's no need to be rude...if he makes mum happy then that should be enough, she wasn't happy with dad and that's why they split. horrible as that was for everyone, I've not seen her smile so much in a long time and that's because of him). She doesn't like him, she's apparently quite nasty to him, unless she's getting something from him which is just rude. Then last week she'd got a letter from guides asking about a trip for a duke of edinburgh award, fair enough, but they needed money this week for the trip, now dad is making sure the kids are fed clothed and watered but mum doesn't have a money tree, she's never had to have a job as dad has always worked and covered their bills, so they never go without, but she can't afford lots of extra luxuries and bits and pieces until she finds a job herself. So mum told sis that she might have to pay for the trip a bit late coz I was going to lend her some money but wouldn't have got it to her until tomorrow and she had a riiiiight paddy! so I've ended up making a special trip out to take some money to mum. I wanted mum to tell her she couldn't go on the trip for behaving in such a manner but mum actually wants her to go to get her out the house.

And that's just the most recent tantrum we've had. I was so annoyed on sunday night (was working all day) to find that they'd left mum to cook dinner and do loads of housework on mothers day. I know it's only a little day but how out of line?!?!

Grrr, I'm so frustrated with her, I just want to slap them both from room to room!

No need to reply girls, but thanks for letting me vent

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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  zepsgal (admin) on Tue Mar 16, 2010 3:27 pm

Is this new behaviour, or just started since your parents split? Might be an obvious question, but just wanted to ask.

They might just need time to adjust, feeling hurt/scared/confused about the split, and taking it out on your mum? Do they treat your dad with the same disrespect?

The only thing I suppose you can do is tell your mum to be firmer with them, and have a word with both of your siblings. Tell them their behaviour is out of order, and they are making your mum unhappy

x x

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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  MrsMarks2B on Tue Mar 16, 2010 3:59 pm

No it's just happened since the split. They're not any where near as horrible to my dad. Had a chat with my mum today and said that I would never have got away with the stuff that they're getting away with because my dad was there.

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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  Sinky 11/11/11 on Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:12 am

It's a difficult situation because so much has changed for them and now to top it off your mum has a bf. They are teenagers and that means they don't think in the same rational way as an adult might and they can be very selfish.

I think this sort of thing happens a lot and for some reason they only seem to take their frustrations out on the parent with whom they live.

Maybe it would help for you to have a chat with them and see if you can see where their incesurities lie. Unlike you, they will see the new bf as a threat to them rather than as someone who makes their mum happy. They might also of been holding some hope that they might get back together and th arrival of new bf may have removed this hope.

Just some thoughts!
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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  Kaz&Rich on Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:39 pm

***HUGS***

Have a word with them babes! There are bang out of order, and upset or not about your folks split they have no right to treat your Mum like that!! Give them a stern 'I am your Big Sister' card and hopefully they will realise that they are being brats!

You know where I am if you need me xxx
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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  MrsMarks2B on Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:57 pm

Thanks for you advice girls. I know it's hard on them, it was hard on me and I don't live with them, I took it out on h2b which was v unfair but thank God he's as understanding as he is!

Think I might stick my nose in soon and read em the riot act! lol

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Re: OT pain in the a$$ of a sister

Post  Justengaged on Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:12 pm

I can see both sides of this (partly as I'm used to similar situations as a teacher - you can see the reasons for it but it doesn't make the behaviour acceptable). People react very differently to situations within their family meaning that although you may be able to see the big picture and have got used to and accepted things, your sister may not have.

My parents split up when I was a year old. I've always seen my dad (when it suited him and his new wife anyway). My stepmum is very awkward, moany, wants everything her way and doens't like children. Therefore, she didn't particulary like me when I was younger and had no problems expressing that to me. So we've grown up with a sort of mutual hatred. Now that I'm older, she finds it easier to relate to me and, although she can still moan if we're out past half 9 cuz she wants to go home to bed, or we eat dinner after half 6 cuz she gets too hungry, she's actually not that bad. However, she's the 'other woman'. She's who my dad had an affair with and left to be with. She's one reason why my mum has had a hard life and had so much hurt. So I feel guilty for even thinking that she's 'ok' because of the hurt it caused my mum. My mum has missed out on so much for my sister and I and would do anything for us. I could never admit to my mum that my step mum is tolerable and sometimes even likeable.

Secondly, my mum got together with her partner when I was 11 (at least thats when they made it known to me and my sister). My mum hadn't been with anyone else at all since my dad left, and I hated it! It had been just the 3 of us, I couldn't understand why we suddenly needed a man around. I'd always been a tom boy and did the heavy lifting, I knew how to take apart the video player and retune the TV from the age of 6. I'd been the one who'd put cream on my mums eczema on her back. We still used to take it in turns to spend the night in my mums bed (possibly a little weird but an old habit). And this new bloke wrecked everything. Suddenly I didn't feel needed at all anymore. I didn't want him anywhere near us. And I didn't fully accept him till I was 15/16. Now I love him, I know thta he knows me better than my dad. He accepts me for who I am. My dad doesn't understand why I don't drink, why I hardly wear make-up, why I'm boring and stick to speed limits on roads. If my dad rings our home landline and me or my sister answers, he doesn't figure out which one it is till half why through the conversation; my mum's partner knows from the 'Hello?' when we answer.

Throughout that waffle, what I'm trying to say is that maybe your sister is taking it differently to how you did. How close is she to your dad? Does she feel guilty about liking someone else in that new father-figure? Does she feel like a traitor? She's a teenager - she's not quite past the age where you empathise fully with other people, so wouldn't see it as your mum being happy, she might see it as her life being upturned again (once with your parents split and once with a new man). I can't scroll back to your original message - has new bf moved in with your mum and siblings? or have they moved in with him? Either way, it's going to cause problems. Children/teenagers test what they can get away with, they like to make their mark, they will want to show how they think things should be. Children like boundaries - its safety and security, and they will keep pushing until they find that boundary in every new situation. If they are allowed to behave like this without a reprimand, then they will until they find the point when they get stopped and there's a consequence for what they're doing.

You could have a chat with your sister, you can help her understand, but I'd be more likely to be the firm but understanding big sister rather than go blaring in and being a second mother. I hated it when my sister did that, and so I added her to my list of people to not like. For a while, my mum was the only good one. (I must say, I never did naything rude or nasty, the closest thing I did was only buy a card for my mums partner's birthday and refuse to get a present one year, but I still hated the situation). The boundaries need to come from your mum, but don't expect too much too soon. I think your sister needs to understand that she doesn't have to like the situation, she is allowed to feel what she's feelings, her thoughts and opinions are not wrong, she doesn't have to embrace and accept the new bf as a new father figure, but that there is no need to be nasty, and needs to realise that there are consquences for being nasty (i.e. no D of E).

Sorry for the waflle, my first line says it all really - the response is completely understandable but its not acceptable. This is the line we take with children at school - I work in a forces school and when the dad's are due for deployment in Afghanistan (or Iraq before), behaviour at school goes off the wall. It always does, we know it will, but the same behaviour policy is in place. If they are rude, if they fight, they get the same punishment as normal. But if they want to talk about something, if they are finding everything a bit too much and need a chill out, if they want some quiet time alone, then we respect that and do what we can. It helps the children to know that agression, irresponsibility and straightforward rudeness are not the only responses to what they are feeling, they're not going to solve problems, they're not the only let out for their frustration that they're feeling. Just worth thinking about. Hope thats some help rather than pointless waffle x x x


Sorry - more things - no need to answer but just think about - why did your parents split up? Does your sister blame your mum? Is that why she's making it hard for her?
You said that you'd not get away with that behaviour if your dad was there - was your dad the one who laid down the law and your mum's been the good cop or the soft touch? Again - straightaway your sister (and your brother to some extent) will push the boundaries. It's your mum who needs to do it unfortunatley. And that's hard, my sister is 26 and living at home, and completely takes my mum for granted. My mum knows this (particularly my mum cooking my sisters dinner every night - and my sister is vegetarian but my mum and partner aren't so my mum often makes two different meals. I've seen my mum rushing to cook my sister dinner, knowing that my sister had a 30 minute window between getting in from work and go out to a dance practise for a show, and my sister getting in and deciding it was more important to straighten her hair so shouted from upstairs that she wouldn't be eating dinner and had got something on the train on the way home from work. I've been at home when my mum has cooked one meal for us and another for my sister, who finally arrived home from work at 11pm having been out for a work do and not phoned home - no one had a clue where she was and we couldn't get through on her mobile). I've said loads to my mum, she knows how much my sister takes her for granted, but my mum also knows my sister wouldn't bother eating properly if my mum didn't cook for her. Parents often have an uncontrollable unconditional love for their children and want them to be happy. Parents don't like shouting at their children (as I'm sure parents on here will know), so its gonna be hard on your mum, particularly if that job had usually been done by your dad x
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