Not sure how I am supposed to feel

My grandma died on Saturday, she has been ill really as long as I can remember, you know one of those people who complain about everything and things are so much worse for them. Its my dads mam and as I have mentioned before my dad died years ago. I have never had a brilliant relationship with her, she said some pretty nasty things in the past to me and my brother, once even accusing my brother of forgetting my dad because he had not been to the cemetary for a long time ( even though she has only been once in 15 years). My brother is refusing to go to the funeral, I feel like I want to go more for the fact that my aunty (gradmas daughter) is pretty much dealing with everything on her own and for her three younger daughters, I want to be there for them and dont want to cause them any more upset by announcing that I am not going. I have decided though if they want me there and I go that I dont want to go in a funeral car if they have them, I would just feel like a hypocrite. What do you all think? I know I sound heartless and horrible but I dont know how I am supposed to feel. x

Oh no, I am sorry for your situation. Its never easy when a relative dies, even if you were not particularly close.

In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to feel - just because someone has died, it doesnt really change how you felt about them, as its how they treated you when they were living that makes an impression. Yes, its always sad when you lose someone, but how you feel is how you feel.
You can alter your opinion of someone, or your feelings towards them just because they are no longer with you. Apologies if i offend, but I see death on a fairly regular basis in my job, and I have seen people handle it in hundreds of different ways, so there is no correct way to feel.

In answer to your question - I think that you should support your Aunty in whatever way you feel is appropriate for you. That may sound a little bit wooly, but supporting someone doesnt necessarily mean attending the funeral. Maybe you could help her to organise it or help with the wake or something if you think thats more suitable? If you do decide to go to the funeral, then I agree, its maybe not a good idea to go in the funeral car, but also, its probably not a good idea to let people know that you are only there for your Aunty (am sure you wouldnt anyway).

I think maybe you shouldnt make a decision straight away- in my experience, funerals can take a couple of weeks to sort, so you might have a few days to really think about this as its still quite raw and a shock, even if you didnt get on?

Sorry again, for your loss and also if i have offended.

Sorry i cant be more help also!

xx

No thats really great advice thank you, I will wait a few days and see what happens x

Oh mrs Im sorry to hear about your gran A work collegue of mine died on Friday after a long battle with cancer, so I guess we both have funarels whis week...

The thing with your gran, if you dont want to go then dont, but dont not go cos your brother isnt going. A funarel isnt just about loving that person and crying that they are gone, its about being remembering them, and being there to support the family and friends that are really grieving iykwim? Ive went to a few funarels where I hadnt even met the person, but went because it was my friends mum, and I was there to support him and show him that I care about him

x x

Yeah thats what I was thinking, I want to go because I want to be there for my aunty and cousins, I have been to funerals too where I have not met the person. I also feel like cause my dad was the oldest and he is not here anymore that I should go for him iykwim. I think I would regret it if I did not and Rik said he would come with me even though he never met her, thats how little I saw her x