O.k ladies, need to let this out :( Relationship with my mum

Some of you may know I don't have a great relationship with my mum and it was only when someone on another forum posted something similar that I finally put all my feelings down on paper (well on the computer).

I guess I just want to rant / feel pitied so here it is

Always been very close family, done a lot together (I have 2 older brothers). I'm the baby and was always spoiled a bit growing up. My eldest brother (32 at the time) moved out and within a few months I also moved out (at 18).

Ever since I have moved out my mum has become more and more distant, and now has taken to lying to avoid me seeing the family.

My mum never rings me, texts me, comes to see me or invites me over. I make the effort to go see them once a week and call them once a week. If I go to see them mum is always busy (hoovering, dusting or doing something for my brother (32 going on 5)). If I ring she says she's busy and can she call me back, never does.

The lies are what hurt though. Last year on her 60th I rang to see if they had made any plans to celebrate. She told me they were'nt doing anything so not to come out. I expressed my surprise that my oldest brother wouldnt be visiting with his kids. She told me they were'nt coming out as were busy and not to come out. We decided to pop in anyway on way home from work and entire family (nan, both brothers, sil and neices) were there having a birthday tea.

We are constantly being told of 'fun days out' that the whole family have been on, when I ask why weren't we invited we get told 'oh we assumed you'd be busy (no idea why)' or 'you live so far away it wasnt practicle' (we live about 12 miles away).

Then earlier this year I rang to check they were in so I could pop out and see them (very often we pop out to find theyve gone out on these family trips). Mum answered but kept telling me they were popping out but it was 'nothing special' and when i pushed she said she had to go. Left it a few days and asked my brother (the 32 year old going on 5) what he got up to at the weekend. He told me the great time they had as the entire family went out for my neices birthday (went to zoo) and then went for dinner in a nice restaurant. She could have easily told me that morning when I kept saying 'we're doing nothing today, we thought we could pop out' but no she lied.

We are getting more and more distant as time goes on. She is showing no interest in my up coming wedding (only to say things like 'oh at least your dress is white, oh did i show you the new cat toy???').

I reckon in 3 or 4 years I wouldn't see any of my family. Ever. They just don't care enough to contact me. Im the least favourite child by far and they show it.

BUT I know the second I have children mum will want to see me every day.

Don't know if I want to let her now.

If she knew I felt like this it would break her heart. And I've confronted her twice and she cried ALOT, then told dad she failed as a mother etc etc. But she didnt change

Awwww mrs ((((hugs))))

I really dont understand why your mum is like that?? Is your dad the same? Does he not think to phone you and ask you to go with them? Or your brother??

Its bizarre behaviour tbh.

Sorry, I dont think Ive anything helpful to say.

You know what? I honestly dont know why you would let this drag on for another 3-4 years, not knowing if you are going to be blanked, get ignored, lied to, left out. I would write a letter to your mum and other members of the family asking them to contact you if one of them dies, other than that, see you all around. You dont actually need to make yourself feel like crap over some people that dont love you or care about you as much as they should.

You are about to become a married woman, start a family of your own, so make it a fresh start. Spend more time with h2b's family (if you dont already), make them into the family that yours arent being.

And if you do have kids and they do want to see them? Well tell them they can come over, then go out. See how they like it.

Sorry if thats out of order, but honestly, your mum is doing my head in, never mind yours!!

Aw hun I really dont know what to say I really dont understand why she or any of your family is being like that to you it must be horrible. Louise is right you have your hubby to be and can start your own family but I think you should have it out with her and just ask her why she never wants to include you in anything, is there no one in the family other than her you can talk to, how about your dad? x

Honey I'm so sorry - you don't deserve that at all! (ok, so I don't actually know you and you may be a complete cow-bag, but you seem lovely!!)

I think Zeps is right - you're going to start you own family and you can choose who to include in it - they say 'you can't choose your family' for a reason my dear - sometime they aren't worth the heartache they cause.

You need to explain to your mum in a rational manner why yo won't be involved any more with her and leave the door open for her to come to you when she grows up (the same is probably true for the rest of them if they are treating you the same way)

It's really easy for me to sit here and say this, as it's not me who'd having to deal with it; only you know if this behaviour is more painful than not having her in your life...

Huge hugs whatever you decide to do
xx

I agree with the other girls, although I would be more inclined to do this face to face. Only for the fact that if you write things down, then they have 'hard evidence' that they can use against you in the future iykwim?

I think its such a shame that your mum cannot treat you the same as she does the rest of the family - maybe she is jealous of you and what you have/achieved/who you are?

I think you should console yourself with the fact that you will have done everything you could to try to build a bridge between you both and it hasnt worked. Go and build your new life with your hubby and your future children, and as painful as it is, i think you are going to have to close the door on your mum.

Hope it all works out for you in the end, big hugs..

xx

I honestly don't know why she does it. I know she doesnt mean to be hurtfull as when I spoke to her before she was heartbroken, full on tears and everything!!

But she doesnt seem to remember we exist

I have come to terms that I have my own family. Me, Steve and Ollie (the parrot). I also have a wonderful MIL, SIL, BIL and 2 AMAZING nieces that I love to pieces.

Steve did mention the other day that his mum had contemplated moving down to be nearer his sister (deepest darkest cornwall) and how much he'd miss her. I said if he'd ever thought about following her if she did it and he said 'I wouldnt ask you to move, why would you think about it?'

Honestly I'd do it in a heartbeat!!!

It would seem your mum is all talk and no action. I mean, if she genuinely meant the things she has said to you previously, you wouldnt be feeling the way you do.

Its good that you have a suportive and lovely family in law. Maybe if you did move to Cornwall it would be a fresh start for you?

xx

I would move, especially if you are moving closer to people you both love.

Cornwall isnt THAT far away, its still just a drive for people if they wanted to visit you, or if you wanted to visit them.

x x